The football coach is not a god

Life in many respects is all about learning and each of us goes through many phases.  This is all part of the natural process of growing into a mature adult.  A child learns security and safety from Mom and Dad.  In most cases the child learns the warm feeling of love from the touch of those around them.  This healthy affection demonstrates for a child where “they” begin and end and where other people “start”. These interactions are the foundation of the boundaries a child will live by throughout life. For 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys, these boundaries are distorted in an egregious way by the behavior of the trusted people around them.  Child sexual abuse is an innocence killer.  It escalates the child’s learning of sexual matters well in advance of their emotional or physical capability to handle it. 

This creates massive confusion in the child.  On the one hand they are armed just with physical sensations that frequently feel good, the child is destined to seek out that physical contact, not really understanding that it is evil and aberrant behavior.  On the other, the violence, threats and demeaning nature of the abuse leave the child searching for ways to dull the pain, humiliation and the fear.  The child vacillates between the search for self-gratification and debilitating fear that their secret will be discovered, between the depths of depression and the euphoria of momentary pleasure, and between treasured seconds of safety and belonging and desperate loneliness.  These extremes lead the mind to solutions that are just as extreme and often lead to attempted suicide or successful suicide. 

An abuse child, whose sense of self is damaged, seemingly beyond repair and whose personal boundaries and moral values are in extreme contrast to those of the society around them, uses isolation, emotional and physical separation from others and, in some cases, suicide to avoid those around them knowing the true person.  The abused child learns to be with people, share moments and yet always have barriers up.  They may have friends, but their friends never have them.  They become practiced liars and deceivers to maintain an external image of self that will be acceptable in the world around them.  Vulnerability is a sensation to be avoided at all costs.

The child is damaged on many levels.  First and foremost are the violent acts of the abuser.  After the abuser come the reaction of others who have responsibility to protect the child. Mindless statements like “Uncle Johnny would never do that”, or “It must have been an accident” or “Your imagination is running away with you” serve only to seal the silence of the child and assure that the evil they have experiences will remain inside their mind and body and fester over years, if not decades.  As this toxic mix percolates, it surfaces as anger, rage and medical and physical struggles and a negative and hypersensitive self-image.

However, in the end the effects of the sexual abuse come out in behavior.  Is it any wonder we live in a violent society.  Is it any wonder we live in a society where a man can see a child being sodomized and not take action to help him.  Is it any wonder we live in a society where an iconic pillar of our society learns that a child has been violently, sexually assaulted and sends a memo to his boss.  In many ways these individuals are no different from the survivor of child sexual abuse who acts about his rage in violence against others. Both demonstrate an extraordinary insensitivity to value of human life and protection of the wholeness of a defenseless individual.

VOICE Today is an organization that exists to support all who are damaged by the trauma of child sexual abuse.  Our focus is on healing and restoration.  The Penn State Story is a classic application of the parable of the Good Samaritan, except there were no good Samaritans in Happy Valley for these boys.  All who passed by them in their moments of greatest need, crossed the street and walked on.  So was it egotism or the unflinching adoration of fans, or the plush comfort at the top of the professional ladder that went into the life of those around the Penn State 8.  That came out in the form of callous disregard of human life, the total absence of common decency and the deafening silence of the moral outrage they should have felt.  We have an iconic coach, who today says, “I should have done more”. You shouldn’t have done more; you should have done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, BUT BE A BYSTANDER at such a tragic moment!  You destined many other children to be violated by your inaction. You allowed the predator to prosper.

What goes into the mind comes out in the life. One of the lessons here is that when we elevate mere people to such heavenly status, we disconnect them from the realities of every day life.  The more they have and the more adoration they receive, maybe the harder it is react instinctively and instantly with a powerfully strong moral and ethical backbone.

Collateral Damage in Happy Valley

Collateral Damage in Happy Valley

Without question, the boys who suffered the sexual abuse are far and away the most serious victims of the Penn State Scandal.  However, the trauma spreads much farther and much wider than just the immediate victims.

Think first of those that saw the abuse and did nothing.  Those images will stay with them forever. Every time they hear a story of child abuse or sexual exploitation, they will replay the memory and their tragic inaction.  I suspect they will have little peace, as it may follow them daily.  They may experience the same self-destructive behaviors as the victims, trying to ease the pain of their inaction.

The students will at some point recognize the moral failure of their blind support of the coach.  As they get jobs and have families of their own, this single event, may shape their parenting philosophy.  When a child is late coming home or begins participating in sports, scouts, etc, they will be haunted by today’s images and their inability to watch over their own child 24/7.

The students will also look back with the wisdom of years and see how they compromised their moral values for loyalty to a man who wins football games. They will finally understand that he was not mistreated in his firing.  He received a very soft rebuke compared to the trauma to the boys he ignored. They may finally learn that the significant and important events and decisions of one’s life come in moment such as these, when you are called to take a stand against good or evil.

I wish I could say that this is an unusual story and one that deserves visibility as particularly heinous.  That is not the case.  There is the boy whose father sold him to his friends to be sodomized, there is the young woman who had her toe cut off as a reminder to be silent, there is the young woman who suffered through dozens of predators as she placed herself in front of her sister to protect her.  There is the young woman who was given a trash bag and ten minutes to pack her things and was thrown out of the house, when she broke her silence. Society today does not look with compassion on the victim.

The real tragedy of Penn State is that it is quite typical and common.  Ask a person what they would do if someone sexually assaulted their child and you will get back the most graphic images of violence in the interest of protection.  Out of the hundreds of adult survivors of child sexual abuse that I have spoken with, maybe a handful experienced the support and protection of safe adults when they broke their silence.  In virtually all cases that puffed up ego that spoke so vigorously about violence to the predator, meekly backed away and let evil rule the moment.

Truth & Trauma

I woke up this morning and there it was again.  Over the 60 years since my sexual abuse started it has happened many times, although less frequently as my emotional and spiritual healing has taken place.  I am talking about the sensation of being sodomized.  It is one of the reminders of uglier times.  For decades the sensation triggered fear, anxiety, rage and an appetite for vengeance.  Today I feel none of those, only a renewed commitment to my participation in programs to protect children and help adults heal form the evil of child sexual abuse.

It is my prayer that, if Jerry Sandusky is guilty he will stand this one time as a man and admit the horrifying damage he has caused.  He will not deny and rape the integrity of these boys again in the public eye by calling them liars and making them face him down in a court of law.  He will not accept freedom on some vague technicality.  If he is guilty, he destroyed the innocence of their youth and strewed them along his path of perversion.  If he is a survivor of child sexual abuse himself, he fully understands the trauma and damage he has caused.  If he is guilty, his life has been a complete and total lie, his marriage has been a lie and the real focus of his life has been to destroy the very essence of who other young men are.  Lest there be any doubt, he will receive justice for his actions as described in Jeremiah 17:9-10. 

The truth can be their first step in true healing for these many boys, and even for Jerry Sandusky.

What goes into the mind comes out in the life!

What goes into the mind comes out in the life!

Life in many respects is all about learning and each of us goes through many phases.  This is all part of the natural process of growing into a mature adult.  A child learns security and safety from Mom and Dad.  In most cases the child learns the warm feeling of love from the touch of those around them.  This healthy affection demonstrates for a child where “they” begin and end and where other people “start”. These interactions are the foundation of the boundaries a child will live by throughout life. For 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys, these boundaries are distorted in an egregious way by the behavior of the trusted people around them.  Child sexual abuse is an innocence killer.  It escalates the child’s learning of sexual matters well in advance of their emotional or physical capability to handle it. 

This creates massive confusion in the child.  On the one hand they are armed just with physical sensations that frequently feel good, the child is destined to seek out that physical contact, not really understanding that it is evil and aberrant behavior.  On the other, the violence, threats and demeaning nature of the abuse leave the child searching for ways to dull the pain, humiliation and the fear.  The child vacillates between the search for self-gratification and debilitating fear that their secret will be discovered, between the depths of depression and the euphoria of momentary pleasure, and between treasured seconds of safety and belonging and desperate loneliness.  These extremes lead the mind to solutions that are just as extreme and often lead to attempted suicide or successful suicide. 

An abuse child, whose sense of self is damaged, seemingly beyond repair and whose personal boundaries and moral values are in extreme contrast to those of the society around them, uses isolation, emotional and physical separation from others and, in some cases, suicide to avoid those around them knowing the true person.  The abused child learns to be with people, share moments and yet always have barriers up.  They may have friends, but their friends never have them.  They become practiced liars and deceivers to maintain an external image of self that will be acceptable in the world around them.  Vulnerability is a sensation to be avoided at all costs.

The child is damaged on many levels.  First and foremost are the violent acts of the abuser.  After the abuser come the reaction of others who have responsibility to protect the child. Mindless statements like “Uncle Johnny would never do that”, or “It must have been an accident” or “Your imagination is running away with you” serve only to seal the silence of the child and assure that the evil they have experiences will remain inside their mind and body and fester over years, if not decades.  As this toxic mix percolates, it surfaces as anger, rage and medical and physical struggles and a negative and hypersensitive self-image.

However, in the end the effects of the sexual abuse come out in behavior.  Is it any wonder we live in a violent society.  Is it any wonder we live in a society where a man can see a child being sodomized and not take action to help him.  Is it any wonder we live in a society where an iconic pillar of our society learns that a child has been violently, sexually assaulted and sends a memo to his boss.  In many ways these individuals are no different from the survivor of child sexual abuse who acts about his rage in violence against others. Both demonstrate an extraordinary insensitivity to value of human life and protection of the wholeness of a defenseless individual.

VOICE Today is an organization that exists to support all who are damaged by the trauma of child sexual abuse.  Our focus is on healing and restoration.  The Penn State Story is a classic application of the parable of the Good Samaritan, except there were no good Samaritans in Happy Valley for these boys.  All who passed by them in their moments of greatest need, crossed the street and walked on.  So was it egotism or the unflinching adoration of fans, or the plush comfort at the top of the professional ladder that went into the life of those around the Penn State 8.  That came out in the form of callous disregard of human life, the total absence of common decency and the deafening silence of the moral outrage they should have felt.  We have an iconic coach, who today says, “I should have done more”. You shouldn’t have done more; you should have done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, BUT BE A BYSTANDER at such a tragic moment!  You destined many other children to be violated by your inaction. You allowed the predator to prosper.

What goes into the mind comes out in the life. One of the lessons here is that when we elevate mere people to such heavenly status, we disconnect them from the realities of every day life.  The more they have and the more adoration they receive, maybe the harder it is react instinctively and instantly with a powerfully strong moral and ethical backbone.

Tragedy in Happy Valley

The True Tragedy of Penn State

I just finished reading a story on Yahoo Sports by RALPH D. RUSSO - AP College Football Writer.  He talks briefly about how the scandal at PSU is on a different scale from other sports scandals because of the nature of the events and the fact that it involves such an iconic person as Joe Paterno.  The article then dilutes the issue by listing a long trail of other scandals in sports history.

Here is an excerpt from the article:

“"That would be heartbreaking if it ended like this," Miami coach and former Penn State player Al Golden said Tuesday. He was speaking about the Paterno legacy, not the victim.
Paterno is the winningest coach in the history of Division I football, less than two weeks removed from surpassing the late Eddie Robinson of Grambling with victory No. 409, and the embodiment of a program that has generally been viewed as upstanding.
"This is like having a scandal in the White House. That's how big this is," said Beano Cook, a college football historian and ESPN analyst.
Paterno has been one of the most famous sports figures in this country for more than half a century and generally regarded as one of the foremost leaders in college sports.
"There's no doubt this will hurt his legacy, but how much?" said Cook, who was a longtime sports information director at Pittsburgh. "I hope not a lot."
Dan Jenkins, the award-winning author, sports writer and historian for the National Football Foundation and College Hall of Fame, said the nature of the Penn State scandal won't necessarily do long-term damage to college sports as a whole because it doesn't call into question the legitimacy of the games.”
Think about what is missing here.  The story never mentions the victim.  The story never mentions that apparently two individuals saw one man having sexual activity with a boy in a shower and took no action
Russo also provides this quote from Dan Jenkins: "Penn State's story is for another part of the paper, not the sports section," he said in an email. "But it calls attention to all the other ills."  Jenkins is right.  This belongs on every page in the paper-but not in the form of expressed sadness related to the stain on jopa’s football rep.
So what does all of this mean?  Have we become such a callous and amoral society that there is no outrage when a child is being victimized?  Where is the concern for the child?  If the boy had been Paterno’s son or Curley’s son would they have reacted differently?  Does a young man need to be on a football scholarship to rate protection and concern in Happy Valley?

Who raced to the boy’s aid?  Who called 911?  Who confronted the perpetrator? This story reminds me of the parable of the Good Samaritan, except that, in this case, there were NO Samaritans.  In my role, as Executive Director of VOICE Today, Inc., I have talked to hundreds of adult survivors of child sexual abuse and this is a common story.  When it is ‘sound-bite time” adults will puff themselves up and talk bravely about how they would kill a child predator or tear them to pieces.  Sadly, the reality is that most adults look the other way and don’t demonstrate the courage to defend and protect a child at risk.  In most cases these same adults will tell you that they keep “their” children safe and that they don’t need to be educated about the behaviors of predators and damage the sexual violation of a child causes.

Victims of child sexual abuse suffer a long list of well-documented emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual problems.  Most victims suffer from one or more of the following:

·      Shame, disgrace, silence, torment, confusion, distrust, self hatred, self mutilation, marginal existence, isolation, low self esteem,

·      Drug and/or alcohol dependence, depression, post-traumatic   stress disorder, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts/attempts

·      Difficulty forming long-term relationships. sexual promiscuity that leads to teen pregnancy. Prostitution

·      (70-80%) of serial rapists report they were sexually abused as children.

·      Child sexual abuse survivors have a higher likelihood of abusing others.

The self-destructive behavior uses pain to mask the horrific trauma the child victim of sexual abuse experiences.  This is the legacy that the inaction by staff at PSU will leave behind and the victims will suffer with it every day of every week of every year, as they search for true healing.  They will struggle with the fact that people they revered knew and did nothing.  They will struggle with the fact that there is a lot more open concern about a football coach’s won-lost record than the egregious violence they suffered. They will struggle as they search for the innocence they had before terrifying violence entered their life.
Is a football coach and his personal legacy so important?