Life in many respects is all about learning and each of us goes through many phases. This is all part of the natural process of growing into a mature adult. A child learns security and safety from Mom and Dad. In most cases the child learns the warm feeling of love from the touch of those around them. This healthy affection demonstrates for a child where “they” begin and end and where other people “start”. These interactions are the foundation of the boundaries a child will live by throughout life. For 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys, these boundaries are distorted in an egregious way by the behavior of the trusted people around them. Child sexual abuse is an innocence killer. It escalates the child’s learning of sexual matters well in advance of their emotional or physical capability to handle it.
This creates massive confusion in the child. On the one hand they are armed just with physical sensations that frequently feel good, the child is destined to seek out that physical contact, not really understanding that it is evil and aberrant behavior. On the other, the violence, threats and demeaning nature of the abuse leave the child searching for ways to dull the pain, humiliation and the fear. The child vacillates between the search for self-gratification and debilitating fear that their secret will be discovered, between the depths of depression and the euphoria of momentary pleasure, and between treasured seconds of safety and belonging and desperate loneliness. These extremes lead the mind to solutions that are just as extreme and often lead to attempted suicide or successful suicide.
An abuse child, whose sense of self is damaged, seemingly beyond repair and whose personal boundaries and moral values are in extreme contrast to those of the society around them, uses isolation, emotional and physical separation from others and, in some cases, suicide to avoid those around them knowing the true person. The abused child learns to be with people, share moments and yet always have barriers up. They may have friends, but their friends never have them. They become practiced liars and deceivers to maintain an external image of self that will be acceptable in the world around them. Vulnerability is a sensation to be avoided at all costs.
The child is damaged on many levels. First and foremost are the violent acts of the abuser. After the abuser come the reaction of others who have responsibility to protect the child. Mindless statements like “Uncle Johnny would never do that”, or “It must have been an accident” or “Your imagination is running away with you” serve only to seal the silence of the child and assure that the evil they have experiences will remain inside their mind and body and fester over years, if not decades. As this toxic mix percolates, it surfaces as anger, rage and medical and physical struggles and a negative and hypersensitive self-image.
However, in the end the effects of the sexual abuse come out in behavior. Is it any wonder we live in a violent society. Is it any wonder we live in a society where a man can see a child being sodomized and not take action to help him. Is it any wonder we live in a society where an iconic pillar of our society learns that a child has been violently, sexually assaulted and sends a memo to his boss. In many ways these individuals are no different from the survivor of child sexual abuse who acts about his rage in violence against others. Both demonstrate an extraordinary insensitivity to value of human life and protection of the wholeness of a defenseless individual.
VOICE Today is an organization that exists to support all who are damaged by the trauma of child sexual abuse. Our focus is on healing and restoration. The Penn State Story is a classic application of the parable of the Good Samaritan, except there were no good Samaritans in Happy Valley for these boys. All who passed by them in their moments of greatest need, crossed the street and walked on. So was it egotism or the unflinching adoration of fans, or the plush comfort at the top of the professional ladder that went into the life of those around the Penn State 8. That came out in the form of callous disregard of human life, the total absence of common decency and the deafening silence of the moral outrage they should have felt. We have an iconic coach, who today says, “I should have done more”. You shouldn’t have done more; you should have done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, BUT BE A BYSTANDER at such a tragic moment! You destined many other children to be violated by your inaction. You allowed the predator to prosper.
What goes into the mind comes out in the life. One of the lessons here is that when we elevate mere people to such heavenly status, we disconnect them from the realities of every day life. The more they have and the more adoration they receive, maybe the harder it is react instinctively and instantly with a powerfully strong moral and ethical backbone.
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